Why I Hate the Word “Obedience”
I’ve always hated the word obedience. But since becoming a parent, I hate it even more. It’s put a sharp spotlight on something I already felt deep down.
I Don’t Want an “Obedient” Daughter
I want my daughter to grow up:
confident
curious
able to problem solve
able to think for herself
able to make her own decisions
able to question things
able to think critically
I don’t want her to blindly follow instructions just because someone tells her to. I don’t want her to think: “Because you said so” is a good reason.
Yes — I need her to listen to me. But blind compliance is not healthy. Raising an “obedient” child won’t set her up for success in life. And it won’t help her become who she really is.
And It’s the Same With Dogs
Just like with my daughter…
Obedience doesn’t even come close to what we actually need from our dogs. Yes — I need dogs to listen. But I don’t want a dog that shuts down. I don’t want a dog that is scared to make choices. I don’t want a dog that only behaves because they fear getting it wrong. That’s not a healthy dog. And it’s not a dog that feels safe.
Behaviour Is Information — Not Disrespect
When my daughter has a meltdown…
I don’t think: “She’s being disobedient.”
I think:
“She’s tired.”
“She’s overwhelmed.”
“She’s hungry.”
“She doesn’t have the skills yet.”
Her behaviour is information. And it’s my job to notice it, assess it, and work with it. Not against it.
Dogs are no different.
When a dog barks, pulls, jumps, freezes, shuts down, or reacts… That behaviour is information. It’s telling us something about:
their emotional state
their stress level
their needs
their learning history
their environment
It’s not disrespect. It’s communication.
Obedience Ignores the Whole Picture
The word obedience reduces everything down to: “Did you do what I told you to do?”
It ignores:
emotional regulation
nervous system health
stress load
fear
confusion
frustration
unmet needs
You can train a dog to sit, stay, and heel… And still have a deeply stressed, anxious, unhappy dog. That’s not success.
What I Care About Instead
I care about:
emotional stability
healthy regulation
communication
trust
safety
cooperation
choice within boundaries
I want dogs to:
feel safe in their world
understand what’s expected
trust their caregiver
recover quickly from stress
be able to make good decisions
listen because they feel secure — not scared
That’s a completely different goal to obedience.
I Want Dialogue, Not Control
With my daughter, I aim for:
guidance
explanation
consistency
kindness
clear boundaries
emotional support
Not power struggles.
Not fear.
Not “because I said so.”
And with dogs, it’s the same.
Training should feel like a conversation.
Not a command system.
Not a battle.
Not a dominance contest.
Listening Matters — But It’s Not the Goal
Of course dogs need to listen. Of course we need safety, structure, and rules. But listening is a by-product of a healthy relationship. Not the foundation of it. When dogs feel:
safe
understood
supported
regulated
guided clearly
They listen more. Not because they have to. But because it makes sense to.
The Takeaway
I don’t want obedient dogs. I want:
emotionally healthy dogs
confident dogs
regulated dogs
dogs who trust their humans
dogs who feel safe enough to think and choose well
Obedience is shallow. Relationship is deep. And deep is what actually lasts.
If you’d like help applying this and in doing so, improving your and your your dogs lives, I can support you in a few different ways.
Through Canine Caregivers, I offer online courses and webinars to build understanding, structure, and consistency at your pace.
If you’re based in Sydney, I also offer 1:1 training across Sydney, socialisation and puppy classes, and can provide all recommended training equipment to support the work we’re doing.
I offer The Complete Care training program that covers every single base you will need as well as The Starter Program which allows you to tailor the training and support you need with flexibility.
👉 Join Canine Caregivers
📞 Or get in touch for 1:1 help in Sydney
— Ian
Bondi Behaviourist
“A healthy dog is a happy dog and a happy dog is great to live with”.
